"What I really like about you".

On my way to Edinburgh to visit my brother this weekend, I was texting my girlfriend, and things took the usual lovey-dovey route of her saying "What I like about you is..."

Ordinarily, this would be fine, and I would take it all in my stride. However, I couldn't help but laugh at one point she mentioned.

"I like that even when ur incredibly drunk u dont get violent 4 no reason." [sic]

My inital reaction was "Roffle.", which may sound okay, but I was sitting on a bus, on my way to Edinburgh, and I was the only passenger making any sound at the time. The reason for my laughter, dear reader, shall become apparent very soon.

Two weeks ago, or less or more, I was invited as a plus-one to a party. Obviously, copious amounts of alcohol were consumed not only by myself, but also by everyone else there.
No, I don't blame peer pressure. Moving on... At this party, I drank approximately 8 cans of Strongbow cider before being asked by my friend to accompany him to the local Asda to buy some more alcohol. Naturally, I obliged, seeing as I am eighteen, and he is not. So, off we trotted, slightly giddy from our previous drinks, but not nearing the tipsy or drunk stages. We bought three crates of tennents, and then raced back to the "venue" with our crates of lager still on the trolley that we had decided to snaffle, thus saving us actually using any energy in transporting the drinks.

Back at the party, Kenneth the underager and myself decided to open our tins, and drink and drink and drink. Now, 3 crates of 20 lagers = 60 lagers. We consumed between 20 and 30 of these between ourselves. And we ended up fuckdrunk. The stories relayed to me the following morning were rather humourous, as were the texts I had sent during my drunken stupor. But my favourite story had to be this:

At some point during the night, I had apparently gotten rather annoyed with my female friend, who was staggering, and falling, all over the place from when she arrived. Couple this with the fact that she had been off with me for the past week or so you know how us teenagers are... in the lead-up to this party. So, these factors led to me being somewhat of a Grumpy Bear. And by Grumpy Bear, I mean absolute cunt to everyone. But mainly her.

That's not the funny part. Here it comes:

After having gone outside for a breath of fresh air, and then making a snidey comment to her drunken self, I found myself lacking in beer, and having an abundance of rage within me. So, what did I do?

I opened a can of beer, spotted a male whom I donotlike and then proceeded to LAUNCH the can of Tennents at him. Now, I know what you're thinking - "I bet that hurt." No! It did NOT hurt him! For it landed right at his feet, before absolutely SOAKING him in warm lager!

And this, my friends, is exactly why I Roffled at the mention of me not getting violent when I am "incredibly drunk".

Tune in next week, for more posts. =]

She's Got Issues.

When kissing a girl that I really fancy, and don't just intend to have sex with, among the last things I want at that exact moment is an abusive[ish] message from a disgruntled ex-girlfriend.

Nonetheless, on Saturday the 17th of February, as I made my way from one person's 21st Birthday Party to another's 40th birthday party... I stopped to Kiss a girl that I've had my eye on for quite a while.

Barely had I even slipped my tongue in between her gentle lips when I heard what was once known as "special" in the Nokia messaging tones list.

So, I apologise, take out my phone, and burst out with incredulous laughter. Then, the battery on my phone dies. Hmm.

Undeterred, I switched it back on, and another segment of message came through, causing it to die again.

[This process was repeated several times.]

Finally... I got a 5or6-part message, which read:

"Nothing wrong? So making me give you head before you dumped me wasn't wrong? Texting me saying horrible stuff wasn't wrong? Using me once we split up wasn't wrong? Saying we could get back together when you knew I loved you wasn't wrong? Starting an argument every fucking time we speak isn't wrong? That's why I hate talking to you. That's why I hate being near you and that's why I'm so fucking glad if I did have "double standards" cause it gets me the fuck away from you.
You broke my heart a year ago, then again n again. I'm NEVER letting you hurt me again."

[sic]

Now... When I'm standing kissing a potential girlfriend [thisisrare]... I don't really want to hear these kind of misguided tirades. I don't want abuse being launched at me like a sewage-filled missile. I don't need to have a despairing maiden offloading all of her burdens onto me. No... what I want is a kiss, damnit.

Of course, I decided to let it serve as a warning to the girl I was standing with, and let her know that:
"Just in case you ever go out with me, look forward to all this misery."
Thankfully, she laughed. Must like me, I guess?

Of course, that wasn't the end of my wittiness regarding the situation. No, no, no.
Upon arriving at the 40th 10minutes later, I proceeded to show everyone this incredulous list of accusations, and was given sound advice from my exgirlfriend [and now best friend]'s mum, whom I have been on speaking terms with for years.

"Text her back and say she gave shit head."

So, I did.

Moral High Ground stance? non-existent.
Maturity level? Much greater than K's.

[for those of you who know me, K is the initial of said disgruntled ex.]