Cockblocking Educators

The scene: Lloret de Mar, Spain, 2005?

School trips to foreign places are either veryvery good, or veryverybad. There's never a happy medium, and there's always a fantastic event taking place. For us, it may well be that seeing the "boy with boobs" - yes, there was actually a boy who, although quite chubby, was not chubby enough to possess the wonderful D-cups he so proudly boasted. It was the one time a man has ever given me the horn. What?! He was TOPLESS!

Anyway - we were staying in little chalets, with crap bunk beds, and worse bathrooms. The teachers were getting no better treatment. The bus took 36hours to get us there, with no air conditioning [scrimping and saving and all that], and we duly unpacked and headed straight for the pool after our 7am [every bleedin' morning] breakfast. I've never been an early riser, it's not my cup of tea. Especially if I was late to bed.

However, one day there was a bit of a dispute. Some lads from another group of holidaying schoolkids accompanied by teachers wearing questionable get-up [P.E Teachers, in their shorts, need I say more?!] had set upon a couple of lads from our group, convinced we were English. The matter was quickly resolved, however, when I trotted up and asked what was going on - A genuine question, I hadn't the fucking foggiest - and the lads, who turned out to be anti-English Poles all spotted my Scotland shorts and realised their error. Later that night, at the nightly disco, complete with Spanish DJs, no alcohol that the teachers knew about, and plenty of "toiday forriners", we all sang, danced, and acted like fools in unison, partly helped by the fact that we couldn't stand any English wankers, either!

Anyway, "Saturday Night" came on. Yes, the choon the epitomised the 90s. A lovely blonde, slim Polish girl decides to dance with me. I'm dancing. She's dancing. We're dancing. Together. She moves in for the kill. I respond in kind. We're kissing. We're smoooching. "In a Tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G" It's all going well. I've got one hand on her bum, the other's playful wandering round the front, winkwinknudgenudge. I stop, briefly, to gaze into her eyes. Then, DISASTER!

We've all been there. Middle of the dancefloor, grinding against a lovely foreign bird whilst on our trip abroad with the school. Things start getting heated, saliva is swapped like it's a currency currently going out of fashion. And then you look up, only to see your worst nightmare come true...

My awkward-looking, gangly English teacher, who's accompanied us on our holiday, is standing, looking at me. Apparently, I've been so overcome with lust that I didn't notice everyone else in our group had been shipped off to bed. I'm standing, a lone scotsman in a group of Poles... and my teacher's telling me, in front of this fine specimen of a woman, that... "IT'S TIME FOR BED, ANDREW."


Ab. Solutely. Gutted.




[Nevermind, I sneaked out to her chalet later on in the week and we continued our throes of passion. Result!]

Moving Out.

That's it, I've had enough, I can't take it in this flat any more!

I've just had my lovely midday shower ruined by a fucking WASP!

The thing was almost this exact size!


Shat a brick, got some deodorant and matches, and tried to flamethrower the fucker down, to no avail. Ended up having to shriek like a girl as I rammed the fucker into the window with a teatowel.

Still shaking from this traumatic experience, and will have words with flatmate later to find out if this flat's bad for wasps in the summer. If it is, I'm moving home. No questions asked.

MeMe: 25 Things.

25 things.

1. I hate Jade Goody. Seriously. Whereas I don't think anyone deserves cancer, I actually cannot wait until she dies, and the hype dies with her. She does my fucking nut in, and if she survives this, I'll seriously be disappointed, because it can only mean that two or three years from now, we'll get a 30page spread of "MY CANCER'S BACK!!!" and then she'll hopefully wither and die.

- That said, I hate most people who get famous for fuck-all reason. "Sean off Big Bruvver" "Emma off Survivor!" - they're all fucking nobodies, and piss me off because they don't quite understand the concept of FIFTEEN MINUTES of fame; opting instead to attend as many fucking events as possible to keep their Z-list "celebrity" status.


2.I enjoy maths - I'm like an idiot savant when it comes to mental arithmetic, and i actually get a buzz from doing really complex maths -, and I enjoy mechanical engineering science. These are two of four modules on my course for first year. However, they also throw in two useless modules every semester, meaning I can't actually focus on what I want to be doing, and instead I get bogged down with shit modules I'll never actually need after first year, but which I have to pass in order to advance. I think this system is shit, and would definitely prefer it if the course was more focussed on what it's supposed to be about. Worst part is; everyone I know that's doing engineering of some sort, complains that they have to do the same fucking thing.

3. I don't understand the concept of chewing haribo sweets, or any other small, jelly-ish sweets. They're small enough to swallow in a one-r, they don't taste that fantastic, and it's much more efficient just to chug them down. However, I always get bitched at for swallowing my haribos whole! What the fuck?!

4. I hate eating in front of other people, other than my family. This is because I get anxious about which hand my knife and fork should be in, 'cause i don't know, and end up swapping them about every ten seconds or so. This was made worse when a friend mentioned to me one day that I "hold [my] spoon wrong" when I'm eating ice-cream. Sorrow.

5. I'm currently addicted to a crap game on my phone called Quadrapop. I play it on the toilet, in bed, on buses, in classes, mid-conversation, and most other everyday situations. It's not even a good game. However,my addiction has paid off - I have a top score of 104,000 and something. BOOM!

6. I get so fucking hacked off when people don't give a straight answer, especially to "Yes or No" questions. If I ask you if you want a cup of tea, don't hum, haw, bump yer gums and then answer with "I could do..." - IT'S A SIMPLE QUESTION. DO YOU, OR DO YOU NOT, WANT A FUCKING CUP OF TEA???

7. I'm really not what you'd describe as a "huggy" person. I don't enjoy strangers thinking they can introduce themselves with a hug; a handshake into "man-hug w/ optional pat on back" is fine, but not this "I'm Mr/Mrs/Ms/Miss/Dr. X, HUG!" stuff.
However, if I happen to get a good hug off someone I know, it can occasionally, but not often, make me smile and go all fuzzy and stuff!

8. I like the words "Cheers" and "See you later" instead of "Thank you" and "Goodbye/Bye" - I'm not a formal person at all, and don't like being told I have to say those ones, 'cause they make me uncomfortable and all awkward-feeling. As far as I'm concerned, my ones convey the exact same thing so there's no need to be all uppity and dickish about it. Hah.

9. I like cooking. I definitely prefer cooking my own food to getting a macdonalds or something like that. It's usually tastier, always cheaper and fills you up more. That said, I do occasionally [very occasionally] order a take-away, and recently found the best Chinese/Indian/Thai/Italian - allinone - ever, which does a brilliant Beef with Black Bean Sauce and Green Pepper, and also does some pretty tasty Onion Bhajis!

10. I'm the reigning Scottish Judo Champion. This is 'cause after I won it, I broke my toe, which led to a few broken bones in my foot, which meant no training for months, and then when I went to get back into it, it wasn't really an option anymore due to money, school and travel. I do think about getting back into it all the time, though.

11. I bought myself my first electric guitar. My parents then bought my little brother an electric bass, 'cause he felt "left out" and was gonna "give [us] the money back when [I've] got it". I openly admit to being a sufferer of middle-child syndrome, whereby I'm convinced my little and older brothers get much better stuff and treatment from my parents - I know it's not true, though.

12. As you can tell from the last one, I sorta contradict myself sometimes. Hah.

13. I wanted to be an actor from a very young age. I could do voices no problem and throwing myself into a character was easy; I'd definitely say I was and am a talented actor. However, thanks to my Standard Grade Drama teacher, I came home from school one day, and walked up to my parents to tell them: "I want to be a Mechanical Engineer". I'm always thankful that I kept my options incredibly wide open by choosing some arty classes and choosing technical classes, as well as taking P.E.
- I still don't know why my drama teacher was such a cunt to me, actually - she begged me to do two school shows, in leading roles, acknowledged to my parents and classmates that I had a lot of talent for acting, and even tried convincing me to take Higher Drama. However, after putting up with two years of "helping along" those who didn't actually want to be doing drama, and not being allowed to work with the better pupils, I was in no way prepared to put up with her shit. I figure she was jealous - If you can't do, teach; If you can't teach, teach drama.

14. I don't like telling people what my middle name is. I don't know why, it's not like I don't like it, or anything like that - I just don't like people knowing what it is. It's probably one of my best-guarded secrets. Hah.

15. I'm more than man enough to admit that when it comes to Callum, I fucked up. I shouldn't have pulled his ex, I should've told him it was happening, and I should've been less of a dick in general. Probably my biggest regret in life is doing that, and losing him as a friend. He was always sound as fuck, and I have plenty fond memories of him. I hope one day we'll end up being decent mates again; he was the first "best friend" I had, and probably the only person I trusted throughout my entire school life.

16. I have a bike jacket, bike gloves, bike helmet, bike boots, and bike trousers. I have a bike license. I haven't ridden a motorbike for approximately 8months. I miss it, 'cause it's actually a really good feeling - the constant attention you have to pay to the road and road users keeps you switched on so much. I intend to have a GSX 600 R or a Ninja by the start of summer. If I don't, I plan on throwing one fucking stormy tantrum!

17. I have an allergy to melted cheese. Not cheese; melted cheese. I could eat a thousand cheese sandwiches a day, and I'd be fine [though admittedly, I'd be fat as fuck]; but if I have one cheese toastie, I end up throwing up all over the shop. I miss eating baked tatties covered in cheese - I used to eat them all the time until this came about. However, I have never and will never like pizza, chips and cheese or even cheese toasties. They just don't taste nice!

18. I have a bit of an OCD regarding symmetry. It doesn't take much to set it off, but once it's going, I end up sitting making symmetrical patterns with my hands, and it can easily go on for hours. It stems from having to do symmetry exercises in maths in primary school; when you have to use a mirror to draw the other half of something. I could never do it, ended up getting frustrated, and then this OCD thing came about. I had to stop cycling for a while, because I did symmetrical bunny-hops. =(

19. I don't speak to anyone in my classes at uni, which kinda sucks. I'm a really easy to talk to kinda guy, but suffer from a crippling shyness when it comes to introducing myself. The only solution for this would be for me to have a few drinks before class, but that'd just be stupid. I don't wanna be an alcoholic, I just wanna have friends on my course, in my year. Hah.

20. I am amazing at downing pints. It is a skill I've acquired over years of downing fluids; from pints of water at age 9, to pints of cider aged 20. I've only ever been beaten by one guy since I started drinking properly; and I intend to beat him in the re-match!

21. I very rarely expect any of my friends to do anything for me, and rarely ask favours. However, I always pride myself on being incredibly reliable and helpful to others; even those I don't speak to all that much. It's usually unexpected, but hey - someone's gotta restore faith in humankind, right??

22. There's not a lot I haven't done, sex-wise. I do sometimes wish I'd slept with less folk, but at the same time; I've had a lotta fun doing what I've done. I have a lot of respect for virgins, but at the same time, I have a lot of respect for folk who've slept about. To each their own, and if you enjoy sex; why not, right?!

23. Backtracking a little, but - when I did my first school show, I hated singing in front of anyone. This was unfortunate, as the musical director refused to let anyone else sing in my place, so I ended up - even though we hated each other - spending loads of time with her by myself, practicing. We often argued, and came to sweary arguments in front of other folk, but in the end, I sang "Video Killed the Radio Star" live on stage in front of 200+ people per show for three/four days.
The second time round, though - I got hauled out of Higher physics, and asked to do another show. I refused point-blank, and told the drama teacher to shove it up her arse. However, when the music teacher asked me, I obliged, did a vocal audition, and she turned round and told me I was now "an amazingly good singer". It was the first time I ever enjoyed singing, and love her so much for boosting my confidence like that.
- During the second school show, the music teacher and I got on like a house on fire, whereas the drama teacher lost the rag and shouted and swore at me in front of a 6 year old child. I smiled.

24. I enjoy writing. And, in case you hadn't noticed up 'til now, I'm fucking awesome at it. Bask in the golden warmth of my literary skills, and consult a dictionary if you don't know what I'm on about. I also revel in being amazing, to a retarded level, at spelling. I'm seriously like the RainMan when it comes to spelling words. If there's a word I don't know how to spell, it's rare.

25. I hate being called Andy. Always have done, as anyone I went to school with called Andrew, got called "Andy". I always thought these people were utter cockpieces, and as such, associate the name "Andy" with being a twat. The name "Roo" comes from an ex trying to call me Andy, getting told it was not optional, so calling me "Andyroo" was her only way round it. One day, I told her to quit it, and the name "Roo" was born. I like it, 'cause it makes me sound like the bouncy, energetic dude I am. =)

That's all, folks. Congratulations to those who made it this far.

Back to School!

Aye, first day back at Uni today - new term, new modules, new chance to pass. (Y)

Brilliant timetable this term, too - got a class on mondays that doesn't run for another 5 weeks, and then only runs for three or four weeks - and also only got two 9am starts. Except for the class mentioned before, which starts at 9am, and runs 'til 12pm. When it's on, obviously.

It's all that autoCAD and Graphic Communications jazz, which I'm a pretty dab hand at, so should be sorted for it. (Y).

Otherwise, sitting here bored out my tits. Hah.



See?

Roo.

For Breakfast?! What's wrong with these ANIMALS?!

Yesterday, I encountered the most disgusting breakfast "meal" I have ever seen or heard of in my entire life.

It was not a cereal, it was not a fry-up - it was something far, far worse.

For breakfast, at 8:15am on the 6th of January 2009, my little brother Aaron and his girlfriend Anise [aye, we know, it's a strange name...] had for their first meal of the day, to set them up for a hard day studying and learning and socialising at college...



A. Chip***. Butty.

Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

Don't get me wrong, I love the odd chip butty just like anyone else - except apparently my girlfriend who's never had one!!! - but for breakfast? HEART ATTACK anyone?! Just bring on the choked arteries, wee bro! I mean, he's never been much of a healthy eater, but now it really seems he's going for gold - a foot chopped off due to diabetes by the time the silly cunt's 25!


Aaron, this one's for you - NO MORE CHIPS FOR BREAKFAST. YOU ARE NOT AMERICAN.


Yours worriedly,

Roo!




to make matters worse, they were microwave chips, nae even the classy oven kind!

Advice for Drug Users?!

I was in the doctors today, which meant soon after, it was gonna have to be followed by a quick visit down to the chemist to get my medication.
After popping in by my granny - she's 80, and someone had to check she was still alive - and listening to her blether away for an hour as she lay ill in bed, I made it down to the chemist in the pishing rain, and went in to get my new prescription for various treatments. Since they'd only just opened up again after lunch - lazy bastards! - they informed me I'd have to wait about for five or so minutes so they could get everything up and ready again. So, as you do, I wandered round the not-large chemist, and found myself face-to-face with the most retarded sign ever.






























Oh aye.

I particularly love the fact that it says:

- Don't Use Heroin, then quickly retracts the authority there by saying but if you must, here's some helpful notes!


Fannies!

Light Play! =D

So, after last night's blog about NewYear's Resolutions, I've already started on two of them.

Tonight, at about 12-midnight, I begun doing exercise for the first time in ages. I don't mean walking, bytheway - I walk everywhere at the moment - no, I mean the kind of exercise where you do sit-ups, press-ups, leg-lifts, and stretching. Tomorrow, I plan to get a wee workout done with the dumbells I've got at home, and then I'll do more of tonights stuff the day after. I figure, the sooner I get cracking, the sooner I achieve my goals.

As for the photography side of things? Well, I've already uploaded 30-40 new shots, all taken today, when I had an idea regarding my brother's Canon Powershot G7, a dark room, and a torch covered in various things. As such, I've had a bit of fun taking photos of my digital clock I bought last week, and all the different things I decided to do - including NOUGHTS AND CROSSES! Hah.

Might borrow Aaron's camera tomorrow instead, see if I can get some even better ones. We'll see!

Cheers,

Roo.

Resolute.

ions. hah.

Aye, for the first time in many, many years, I've decided to make a few of those New Year's resolutions, but this year, I've decided to keep track of them on here, so it looks like I'm actually putting a bit of effort in for once. Hah.

So, the resolutions:

1) Get back in shape.

- This is because after years of having an alright body, staying relatively in shape, the girlfriends have finally taken their toll. Beginning with my 2nd girlfriend, about 4 years ago, I've started slowly gaining weight, until this past year, when I put on a full stone and a half, all of which transferred to my stomach. Thus, I've decided to get back down to under 12stones, and my waist to be a comfortable 34inches. [So yes, JME, I'm finally gonna join that gym of yours, and i'll even use your kettlebell if I have to!]

2) Get through first year.

- I mean it this time, I really do. Last year was a disaster, for a number of reasons. Regardless of my countless appointments, court appearances, and travelling, I should've passed it. I could've worked harder, and this year, I intend to. I'm not worried about getting awesome grades, I'm just worried about passing.

3) Play my guitar more often.

- I've been neglecting my guitar for about a year now, so I've decided to treat it to a lovely servicing when I'm back in Edinburgh, and then to play it at least twice a week. I'm also setting my sights on improving as a player, as it's something I always wanted to do, but now I just don't make the time for it. Sorry, warlock!!!

4) Get this zombienation movie done with MKS!!!

- www.zombienationmovie.blogspot.com

5) Take more photos, in general, and upload them to Flickr.

- I have a pro account, but never seem to upload anything to it these days. What's the point?! Thankfully, I got one of those kick-ass actionsampler cameras for christmas, so I should be shooting some more photos soon.

6) Biking over Scotland, and taking lots of pictures!

- I figure, I've passed my test, I can legally take a motorbike anywhere I want to, so why not go for it? (Y)

That is all.

Roo.

I Don't Mean to Brag, But...

Oh, Aye.

You knows it, folks.


[it says Sausage of the Month]